It is with regret that I find myself writing this at silly o'clock, when I can’t sleep - all the while having this strong urge to tidy up (why does that never happen at a reasonable time of the day). Probably not the wisest idea I've had but I'm sure I've done worse things.
Another 'I've been away, here's a comeback' post? *sigh* Yes, yes it is.
Things have been difficult of late. I'm not going to go into detail as it's something that I feel is best shared with those that are very close to me. But I haven't felt myself at all. I let myself become overwhelmed with depression, I let it consume me. The tiniest things play on my mind constantly. They distract me at every moment. They divert my attention elsewhere. They keep me wide awake at night. I’m one of those people that can’t let things go. My mind is constantly plagued with sadness. With happy thoughts that I crave again. With ideas of what I want my future to be like and how I think it will turn out, both drastically different.
In the space of just a couple of months I tried to do the #100happydays project on Instagram, both times I failed miserably. I haven't felt happy for a long time and I thought it'd help but I just felt like I was forcing something that wasn’t coming naturally to me. Trying to do something you don't 'feel' only ends badly.
I haven't been in a good place, there have been a lot of changes and with that comes the downfall of my blog. It’s something I always wish wouldn't happen but I can't bring myself to even think about writing when I'm in that 'place'. Before now, I couldn't tell you the last time I picked up my Canon. I was left feeling uninspired with no desire to write.
As of right now I’m here. I’m hoping it’ll stay that way for quite some time. I think part of the reason I always stop is because I put so much pressure on myself to be consistent. To always upload frequently. I'm here but it’s on my terms. Whilst I'm thankful to my readers, if I don't feel like posting for a week, I need not force myself to and hope you’ll be understanding if I don't.
As of right now I'm trying to take each day as it comes. Trying not to think of the bigger picture and just focus on the here and now. I spend so much time thinking and worrying about the future, when in reality I should just be enjoying the moment as best I can.
You have to keep choosing recovery, over and over and over again. You have to make that choice 5-6 times each day. You have to make that choice even when you really don't want to. It’s not a single choice, and it’s not easy.
- What It Means To Choose Recovery.
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